


GRID

by SiriGirl



Series: Whumptober 2019 [1]
Category: CHiPs (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bit of fluff because I can't seem to write anything without it, But he's trying to be a supportive husband, Don't Like Don't Read, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, HIV/AIDS, Internalized Homophobia, Jon is scared, Jonch, M/M, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, So is Ponch, This is SLASH, Whumptober 2019, homophobic parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-15 06:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20862053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriGirl/pseuds/SiriGirl
Summary: Jon has just gotten his HIV results-doesn't look like he's long for this world after all.





	GRID

**Author's Note:**

> This deals with a lot of my personal headcanons, just realized I've never posted Jonch before.  
Jon has HIV (duh, point of the story), but Ponch does not-that's a long story for another fic.  
TW-mentions of death, fear of death, internalized homophobia, and homophobic parents. Let me know in the comments if there's anything else I should add.

_ I'm going to die. _

The words played over and over again in Jon's head. He was going to die. There was nothing he could do about it. Medicine couldn't help him, doctors didn't even know what to do.

GRID. Gay-Related Immune Deficiency. It was a nasty term. It caused suffering and death. And it was in him. He had it.

_ God, what am I going to do? _

Jon ran his hands down his face. Why now? Everything was falling into place in his life. He was settled down with the man of his dreams. They had two great kids, a wonderful house, and a new puppy. Why did his world have to come crashing down around him when he finally had everything he'd ever wanted?

_ Because that's what you get for being a degenerate. Fucking homo. You're no son of mine. _

Jon squeezed his eyes shut against his father's voice in his head. It was not connected to a happy memory. When he was eighteen, just out of high school, he'd been out in the barn with Jerry, his high school sweetheart. Up until then, as far as anyone had known, they were best friends.

Until his dad came out to the barn in the middle of the night for some godforsaken reason and caught them kissing in the hayloft. That had been the end of that. He'd been out of a place to live that evening when his parents had tossed him out on his ass with a suitcase. He'd had $50 he took from his mom's purse and used that up getting to L.A.

But that was over twenty years ago. His parents had come around, and even stood up proudly while he pledged his love and devotion to Ponch. That was something he'd never thought they'd do. Having both of their parents at the commitment ceremony was a blessing he didn't know they'd be afforded. Ponch's parents would've been there regardless, of course. His in-laws had made a huge effort to welcome him into the family, and he was grateful. It wasn't every couple who would be deliriously happy when their son brought home a boyfriend.

Wonder if they'd be so happy when they found out their son-in-law was going to abandon their son with two young children, a dog and a mortgage.

His vision blurred as he thought about Ponch trying to take care of their family on his own. About the fact that he'd never get to see his children grow up, or grow old with his husband. He could see it now. He'd miss Echo in her Little League uniform, hitting a game-winning home run. He'd miss Beau's middle school science project winning first prize. He'd miss games and spelling bees and getting ready for prom. He'd miss teaching them how to ride bikes and how to drive. He'd miss his baby and toddler turning into preteens and teenagers and adults. He'd miss getting to stand with one arm around Ponch, waving, as the kids left for college and they both cried, not knowing what to do with themselves.

He'd miss out on long evenings spent on the couch with his husband, just enjoying being together. He would never again get to see the sparkle in Ponch's eye when he surprised him with a pack of Ding Dongs on the way home from work. He'd miss threading his finger's through his husband's hair, enjoying the familiar feel of it. He had a limited amount of time left to snuggle in bed, hold hands in the car, kiss him in the hallway at Central. All those couple things he'd been taking for granted.

There was no more taking anything for granted. Every cough, every sore throat, every bruise could signal the beginning of the end. He was going to have to be very diligent with everything that happened to his body.

He'd have to keep working as long as possible. He had to make sure Ponch and the kids had enough money once he was gone. Maybe he could pick up some odd jobs on some of the ranches. Repair cars. Paint a few houses. Anything to bring in money. He could set up a trust for each of the children.

Looking down at his hands as he lowered them to his lap again, he realized they were shaking. Terrified didn't even begin to describe what he was feeling. Putting his head in his hands again, he began to cry. How often, he wondered, did one get to mourn their own death?

"Jon darling," came quietly from the doorway.

Startled, Jon jumped and swung around, staring at his husband. He ran a hand quickly over his eyes. "Babe. You scared me."

Ponch stood in the doorway, lightly bouncing on his toes. Beau's little blonde head was laid on his shoulder. The baby's eyes were closed, and his thumb hung partway out of his mouth.

Jon quickly tried to compose himself. "What did you need?"

Ponch was gazing at him with that 'I know how you really feel, don't try to hide it' look that came from nearly a decade of being together. "I just wanted to know where you are." He looked down at their son's sleeping little body. "Let me go lay him down on the bed and I'll be right back. Echo's still napping in her room." Turning, he headed towards the staircase.

Jon took a deep, steadying breath. Pictures. He was going to have to take a lot of pictures. Of himself, with the kids, with Ponch, with all their friends. He didn't want any of them to forget him when he was gone.

This still seemed like some kind of cruel joke. Maybe he was a horrible person, and this was his punishment. But why was he being punished after spending nine years with the man he loved? They had a home, a family. How could that possibly be a bad thing?

He'd thought he was over his inner monologue of homophobia a long time ago, but apparently it was a hell of a drug. His parents had never been overly quiet in their distaste of queer people when he was growing up. His sister, who had known when he was very young that he liked boys, had always rolled her eyes at their diatribe and given him a reassuring look. He hoped she knew how much he appreciated that. He'd have to tell her. He'd have to see everyone he wanted to and spend quality time with them. No more putting it off. He didn't have time to put anything off anymore.

Despite his best efforts, he began to cry again. Hunching over himself, he shook with fear. He didn't want to die. He really, really did not want to die and leave Ponch alone. Leave Echo and Beau without their daddy. There was so much he wanted to do with his life! He still hadn't seen New York City. He and Ponch hadn't cycled across the country like they were planning to. They'd decided to put that off until the kids went off to college. It seemed like everything had been pushed aside with 'Plenty of time for that later'.

Well, now there wasn't. Later was here, today, now. He needed to make a list. He grabbed a pen and pulled the desk drawer open, trying to find a notepad. But the shaking made him clumsy and he dropped it. Taking a shaky breath, he tried again. This time he succeeded in dropping his pen in the drawer. Letting out a growl of frustration, he reached for both. As he did, he felt his husband's steady hands cover his shaking ones, pulling them back towards his body as a familiar weight settled on his lap. Ponch kissed his cheek, his voice coming out shaky. "It's okay to be scared, Jon. I am."

Jon looked up into the beautiful face of the man he loved and burst into tears. "Oh, Ponch, what are we going to do?"

"Whatever we have to." His husband never broke eye contact, instead framing his face with his hands. "Everything we haven't. That list on the fridge for someday-let's do it now. All of it."

Jon couldn't help a small laugh. "All of it? Right now?"

"Sure, if that's what you want." Ponch gently smacked his shoulder, a grin teasing his features as well. "You know what I mean."

"I do." Jon leaned into his chest, returning the embrace. They were silent for a few moments before he spoke again. "Babe?"

"Mmm?" Ponch looked down at him.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For doing this to you. You're going to be all alone with the kids, the mortgage, the car payments, the bills-"

Ponch put a finger to Jon's lips. "Don't you apologize. This wasn't your fault. It's not like you went to God and said 'hey, I'd like to have GRID and die in my 40s, thanks.' I know you don't want to leave me. And I don't want you to. All we can do now is keep hoping for a cure."

"But that'll take years. Who knows how long I have left." Jon took another steadying breath. "God, why did this have to happen? Everything was so perfect."

Ponch was quiet for several moments. He was thinking, Jon could tell by the look on his face. Finally, he turned back towards his husband. "Everything still is perfect."

Jon snorted. "How? I'm dying, in case you hadn't noticed."

"That may be true, but I still have you until then. And you're not sick yet."

"That could change tomorrow."

"I know. And it scares the hell out of me. Because I love you. But you know what? We'll get through it together. Somehow. We always do."

Jon sighed. "See, that's the problem. There's no 'getting through' this for me. You'll get through it, come out on the other side. I'll just be a grave marker in some cemetery. It'll probably say 'Jonathan Andrew Baker, beloved husband and father'. And people will feel sorry when they see how young I was. Unless, of course, they see you and the kids at my grave. Then they'll know how I died. They'll say I deserved it, that you deserved it. That the kids needed 'normal' parents. I don't think the widows and orphans fund is set up to cover widowers and orphans. They'd probably just laugh in your face, tell you to go to hell and join your faggot 'husband'. Because you know that's what people will be thinking. They'll make fun of Echo and Beau at school. Maybe it's better that I'll be gone, people will just assume they had a mom. God, why did we do this?"

"Because we wanted kids. Millions of people do, it's not exactly a new thing."

"But we didn't think enough about what that would mean for them. Having two fathers in a world that thinks we're some horrid creatures."

"Sandy and Ellen must have had some faith in us, or they wouldn't have carried our babies. They must've thought it'd be an okay situation." Ponch turned quiet for a moment. "We should call Ellen. She needs to get tested. I know you didn't actually have sex with her, but she was still exposed to your sperm. I'm sure she's at risk."

Jon pinched the bridge of his nose, horror seeping through his veins at the thought of what he might've done to his friend. "Jesus, I didn't even think of that. She has Chris..."

Ponch held him closer. "Don't go beating yourself up. We don't know for sure. It's just better that she get tested."

Jon nodded, staring at the floor.

After several minutes of silence, just the two of the holding each other, he looked up at the love of his life. "Why are you doing this?

Ponch snorted. "Because I love you, Jon Baker. I've loved you for nine years. Do you really think some silly little blood test is going to make me stop now?"

"When you put it that way, no, I guess I don't. You'll be here for me, whatever it takes?"

"Whatever it takes."

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in 1986. Echo, their daughter, is almost 2, and Beau, their son, has just been born. They had both through surrogates. Ponch and Jon have been together since 1977. Hope that explains everything, thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


End file.
